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Collector's Item. Also, a drabble.

Title: Collector's Item
Author: osprey_archer
Pairing: Jack/Owen. It has to have happened sometime.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Still don't own them.
Summary: It’s only natural that Jack should turn his eye on Owen once he’s slept with Suzie and Ianto and Tosh.

So much wandering the universe ought to have given Jack a Zen-like aversion to possessions. They only weigh him down, they always seem to be useless in the end, and if he’s carrying around something of sentimental value it’s bound to be used against him sometime, so really, why not give up on the whole concept?

But now that Jack’s settled, at least for the moment, he’s become a hoarder. He has the Doctor’s hand, he has shelves of cool weird stuff from the Rift, he’s become a collector par excellence.

So it’s only natural that Jack should turn his eye on Owen once he’s slept with Suzie and Ianto and Tosh.

Jack plans Operation Owen carefully. First, intelligence gathering. Owen is aggressive, he likes to think he’s tough. He thinks violence is sexy—he’s sleeping with Suzie, after all.

Thus, the appropriate theater of operation: the weapons room. The strategy: a slow, steady seduction technique, followed by the overwhelming force of Jack’s concentrated lust. Weapon of choice: Cobrian automatic rifle. It demands a very specific leg stance.

Jack has to adjust Owen’s stance a lot. One arm on his waist, the other on his thigh, tugging here, there, rubbing up and down. He waited until Owen wore his thinnest pair of jeans to drag him down to weapons practice.

The muscles in Owen’s thighs twitch under Jack’s hand. Owen’s neck, just a little lower than Jack’s nose, flushes scarlet. Jack blows on the hairs at the nape of Owen’s neck and Owen’s back arches.

“You’re destroying your stance,” says Jack, firmly pulling Owen back in line. “Do you want to be eaten by aliens?”

“Why can’t I just use a handgun?” demands Owen.

“Because this rifle is the only thing that kills Thestavians,” says Jack, inventing a new alien race on the spot. “Spread your legs a little more. Just. Like. That.”

Patience has never been Jack’s strong suit. His hand slips into Owen’s crotch just a little too soon, and Owen jumps away and slams the rifle into Jack’s head and Jack’s head explodes, or at least it feels like it does. Next thing he knows, he’s on the ground, and Owen stands over him flushed and furious and sexy as hell.

Unfortunately for Jack’s libido, by the time he’s on his feet again Owen has fled the weapons room and nothing Jack can say will get him back down there.

Jack files Operation Owen in the back of his mind, and sometimes when he’s bored he’ll embroider on it. Eventually something terrible will try to off Owen; eventually, Owen will want to learn how to use more firepower.

Jack waits.


Eventually happens just after Suzie gets obsessed with the resurrection glove. Owen nearly gets eaten by a tentacled thing in a bog because he can’t quite aim a gun when he’s panicked.

“None of that Cobrian thing, though,” he says. “Or next time you get shot I’m just letting you bleed to death.”


“You made them up,” says Owen. “I had Ianto check the archives.”

Fortunately, Jack’s musings over Operation Owen led him to one of the prize pieces of his weapons collection: Centauri sabers. They worked with Tosh, after all.

The sabers are long and slender, more like foils really, and their cross guards glitter with rhinestones. Owen picks one up with a look of disdain. “This looks like a Barbie sword,” he says, bending the blade into a circle.

“It’s a Centauri saber,” says Jack. “Hit the button right under the cross guard. Third curlicue. The red rhinestone.”

The first time Tosh turned on a Centauri saber, she shrieked “Star Wars!” and oozed happy geekery all over the room. Owen likes to pretend that he’s cool so he doesn’t say anything, but he can’t quite hide his smile when he turns on the sword and it glows and crackles.

“Feet orthogonal,” says Jack, moving to stand behind Owen. “Shoulder width apart. Did you ever fence? Hold your wrist firm.” He corrects Owen’s grip and pushes down on Owen’s shoulders until he’s in a position guaranteed to make his ankles ache in five minutes or less. He doesn’t touch Owen’s thighs this time. “I’ve set the sabers to stun.”

“How do you set them to kill?”

“I’ll tell you after practice. Salute your opponent. En garde!”

Lunge, parry, riposte, remise. Owen fails at fencing but he’s enjoying himself, his face flushed, grinning—and for once it’s not at anyone else’s expense. Jack goes slow, gives Owen time to get good and sweaty so his shirt clings to his chest.

“Speed up,” Owen gasps, lunging and missing Jack by about a mile.

“I don’t think you can take the heat.”

“Try me!” shouts Owen, twirling his blade in a showy manner that’s practically an invitation to be stabbed.

Jack lunges, Owen parries, remise, parry again, Jack speeds up the pace till he’s backing Owen around the room. Owen’s cheeks are pink, his face set in concentration, but he’s getting tired, he’s making mistakes, and his saber jerks and Jack by accident strikes him on the arm.

Owen collapses glassy-eyed and dead-looking, all the color drained out of his cheeks, and Jack forgets its only stun and drops to his knees straddling Owen’s chest and kisses Owen like he’s Sleeping Beauty.

Owen comes to in the middle of the third kiss, opens his mouth so Jack can kiss him properly for the fourth and fifth, and realizes where he is and who he’s kissing in the middle of the sixth. “Get off me,” Owen gasps, and pushes Jack off his chest.

“Thought it might make you feel better,” Jack says. Any explanation will be inadequate; you looked dead sounds like an exercise in necrophilia.

Owen glowers and brushes himself off like an insulted cat. “Fuck you,” he says.

“Any time,” says Jack. Owen flings the saber at his head and stalks off.


After that Jack puts Operation Owen on hold again, because Suzie dies and he has Operation Gwen to deal with, and then there’s just generally mayhem: cyberwomen and cannibals and Ianto, Ianto, Ianto. Owen nearly commits suicide by Weevil. His bruises are spectacular when he comes back to work.

Jack would offer to kiss them better but he suspects Owen wouldn’t appreciate it.

Three days after Owen’s return, so late that Ianto has left the Hub, Jack sits at his desk so bored that he’s considering letting Myfanwy eat him (would he resurrect before or after digestion? Because he’s kind of curious what being digested would feel like). Owen comes in, leaning against the door, bruises sharp against his face.

“Anything I can do for you?” Jack asks, after Owen spends three minutes silently glaring at the floor.

Owen looks up and walks over and straddles Jack’s hips, and says, “Fuck me.”

Jack can tell that this is Owen’s idea of self-punishment, and saying yes would be practically criminal, but Owen gives him a bite that’s a kiss and Jack has never been good at saying no. He half-carries Owen to his room, and Owen bites his lips and his neck and his shoulders.

Jack pushes Owen onto the bed and lies next to him, his chest to Owen’s back. Owen’s breath is harsh and angry, lustless.

Jack takes pride in his work. Owen’s not getting out of this without an orgasm. He loops his arm between Owen’s legs, stroking. Owen isn’t even hard.

Owen shifts away from Jack, staring fixedly at the shelves of Rift detritus on the opposite wall. “What’s that?” he mutters, cool.

“Junk,” Jack murmurs, leaning up on his free elbow so he can see Owen’s face. “Bits and pieces from the Rift.” Owen’s eyes are open but not looking at anything. Jack kisses Owen’s ribs, the hollows of his collarbones, the line of his jaw. “Bric-a-brac,” he murmurs, licking Owen’s neck. Owen closes his eyes. “Leftovers from a cosmic jumble sale—” He bites Owen’s neck, and Owen moans.

All right then. Jack bites harder, squeezes Owen, digs his fingers into Owen’s ribs. “Curios,” Jack breathes. “They used to keep curio cabinets. I knew a guy who had shrunken heads and scalps and a stuffed baby crocodile.” Owen’s moving with him, his gasps strangled as if he doesn’t want Jack to hear. Jack bites his shoulder, hard enough to draw blood, and wrenches Owen’s legs apart. Owen cries out. “Also an incredible collection of dirty postcards. Egypt, Saigon, Hong Kong, Singapore,” sliding his fingers into Owen.

“Harder, damn you,” snarls Owen, arching against him.

Jack rams into him. “The best the British Empire had to offer,” he says, biting the back of Owen’s neck and digging his nails into his thighs. Owen bucks. Jack thinks he might be crying. “Only guy I ever met who looked better than Ianto in a suit. And damn,” slamming into Owen again, “but it took forever to get him out of it—”

Owen gasps and chokes and comes, and he really is crying. Jack’s not quite sure why (he didn’t hurt him that much, did he?), and he wants to hold Owen and soothe him and pull him out of this masochistic suicidal netherworld Owen’s created for himself, but Owen’s on his feet and dressing and gone. There’s blood on the sheets from the bites and broken stitches.

Later, when the Rift is open and the world is ending and Owen finally shoots him, Jack doesn’t entirely blame him.

And the drabble, featuring a strangely slutty and opportunistic Ianto. Owen/Ianto, PG.

Ianto leaned on the autopsy room’s steps, relishing the spectacle of Owen enraged. “I hate Jack,” Owen seethed.

“Mhmm,” Ianto said without sympathy.

Owen shook Ianto. “I’m not his toy.”

“Mhmm,” said Ianto, enjoying Owen’s touch.

Owen pushed Ianto back against the stairs and kissed him hard, hands raking through Ianto’s hair. Ianto moaned. “Not. His. Toy,” Owen gasped.

“Owen Harper is a force of nature,” Ianto whispered obediently. “Kiss me again. Why are you kissing me?”

“Because you’re Jack’s.”

Owen, trying to punish Jack. Too bad Jack loved sharing his toys. Owen kissed Ianto again, biting, and Ianto smiled.

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I love your writing :]
Thank you. :)
bitter angry Owen, determined Jack and then slutty Ianto. The perfect combination really.
That's a terrifying idea for a Jack/Owen/Ianto story.


Down, plotbunny, down.
Awww love. Poor messed up Owen. Love Jack/Owen, and Owen/Ianto.
This bit:
"and he wants to hold Owen and soothe him and pull him out of this masochistic suicidal netherworld Owen’s created for himself, but Owen’s on his feet and dressing and gone."

I swear I read that through about 20 times and it just got better and better. Spectacular. It's always hard to get Jack and Owen together, and you did it masterfully!

The drabble was also awesome. Opportunistic Ianto is gorgeous.
Aw, thanks. Twenty times! I'm flattered.

Opportunistic Ianto, now that he's been let out of his cage, wants a longer story. Especially now that he's been informed he's gorgeous.
Wow, I absolutely adored that. It's both funny and painful in turns (more painful than funny, though) and it rings very true to their characters. 's gorgeous, 's what it is ♥
That was lovely. Funny and angsty and painful. Two pairings that totally deserve more attention and you've nailed them both beautifully here.
guh. Love angry bitter Owen with Jack, who isn't all that sorry for what happened ;) And the Ianto being slutty for Owen - omg yes!
I think Jack is constitutionally incapable of being sorry. He's thiiiiis close to being clinically sociopathic.

Slutty!Ianto is a thing of joy, yes he is.
Wonderful! I especially love Ianto playing up to Owen's self opinion!
How did I miss these? No, really. Are you sneaking fics by me in the middle of the day?

"The overwhelming force of Jack’s concentrated lust" is my favorite moment of the day. Followed closely by Tosh oozing Star Wars geekery. How cute is she?

And, realistically, there is very little hotter than Owen and Ianto being disfunctional.
What can I say? I sit up at night thinking of ways the slide fics past you.

I love Tosh. I want to write Tosh fic but I have no Tosh-filled ideas, possibly because I want to write happy!Tosh fic. Because she deserves to be happy! But it's hard to write a fic like that.

I want to expand the drabble, too, but it's hard to make Ianto act like that in a longer fic. It's not quite OOC (there's a lot of latitude in writing Torchwood characters) but it's skirting close to the edge, you know?
Wow..... Owen and Jack sort of works..... Disturbing. Excellent fic, but very disturbing.
You're the first person to comment on how innately disturbing that fic is. It is--it totally is--I think perhaps people in fandom are often desensitized to disturbing.

By the way, do you want me to friend you back? You don't seem to update that journal very often.
Holy fucking SHIT, but that's hot. Both the main one, and the bonus one (which I figure comes somewhere in between parts of the main one). Sometimes, the idea of a Torchwood where everyone's secretly everyone else's fucktoy is VERY appealing. XD

And I can so see Jack as a set collector. And Ianto as an opportunistic slut.

I like to see that, anyway.
Everyone in Torchwood IS everyone else's toy. They're like evil hyper-sexed five years olds who ought to be in group therapy, except it would totally degenerate into an orgy.

I'm don't think opportunistic slutty Ianto has much canon support, but he's fun to write.
Not really a Jack/Owen fan, but that was very good!
Thank you!

I don't think it's possible to ship Jack/Owen; I wrote the fic kind of as a challenge to myself.
Very nice take on this pairing <3
whew. sexiness. Loved the bit about Owen liking violence and therefore sleeping with suzie.

well done. would love to see more from that drabble if you get the chance =D
*flexes fingers* I'm considering options for drabble expansion. Slutty!Ianto has untapped potential.
The first time Tosh turned on a Centauri saber, she shrieked “Star Wars!” and oozed happy geekery all over the room.

THAT practically made my life. And the darkness of the dynamic between Owen and Jack seemed, to me, spot on, especially after the events of Combat. Excellent fic. :D
Thank you. I always try to include cool Tosh bits, because she's wonderful and she never got enough attention in the show. :( That always made me sad.
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