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How to Be a Better Dictator: Introduction

To the illustrious President Snow:

Thank you for joining our correspondence course, How to Be a Better Dictator! As usual when someone buys our How to Be a Better Dictator course (Platinum Pack), we sent an observer to tour your domains, and we just wanted to let you know how impressive we find your already existing dictatorship.

Your luxurious Capitol is a stunning monument to your nation’s greatness, as well as your own modest refusal to create a cult of personality. We didn’t see a single statue of you in the place, let alone a chorus of schoolchildren singing your praises.

Your brilliant strategic thinking is also on full display in your wise decision to separate different industries between the districts, forcing each district into dependency to all the others - and, of course, to the Capitol, the hub through which all this bounty flows. Divide and conquer, President Snow! Divide and conquer.

And nowhere is your adherence to this important maxim more evident than in the crowning stroke of genius in your reign: the Hunger Games. We swooned at the beautiful marriage of ancient tradition and modern technological advances in your gorgeous update on the Roman gladiatorial games.

Given the excellence you’ve already achieved, we applaud you for deciding to sign up for our course. Although your loyal aides are doubtless to dazzled by your genius to see any room for improvement, you in your wisdom and modesty realized that even the greatest of dictators always have more to learn.

Your first lesson will arrive next week in a discreetly wrapped package, designed to obscure its true nature from the simple folk of the realm, who derive great solace for their belief in their leader’s omniscience. We look forward to working with you!

Yours ever,
The Society for Improved Dictatorship

ETA: This is the beginning of a series, building off this post, which asakiyume asked me to expand in return for her donation to the ACLU.

I'm going to try to update it every Sunday till it's done. Next week is going to be either "People Are Sheep" or "Freedom('s Just Another Word)," depending on how many sheep comparisons I come up with. (The sheep def. come out of this better than the people.)

This entry was originally posted at http://osprey-archer.dreamwidth.org/570428.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

Comments

Brilliant! Love the flattering tone--nothing will make a dictator pay attention like stroking his ego to start out with.
The Society for Improved Dictatorship has some harsh things to say from here on out, so they realized they'd better begin by laying it on thick.
We didn't see a single statue of you in the place, let alone a chorus of schoolchildren singing your praises.

This is great.

Are you taking continuing donations? I was recently reminded that I should give money to my state chapter of the ACLU as well as the national level.

Edited at 2017-02-12 10:22 pm (UTC)
Yes! I will probably be doing fics for donations for... the next four years, let's be real, the ACLU will doubtless continue needing money for that long.

Just email me a screenshot of the donations receipt and let me know what you'd like for your fic.

ETA: I can PM you my email address if you need it.

Edited at 2017-02-13 03:34 am (UTC)
The thing that made me laugh the most is the reassuring reminder that How to Be A Better Dictator comes discreetly wrapped, so that the illusion of omniscience can be maintained! I'd be happy to contribute to this series with another donation, if you're taking donations in exchange for additional lessons. . .

I seem to have lost my copy of Catching Fire, though I'm not sure how.

:(
Definitely taking donations for additional lessons! Perhaps each lesson should have a donation sponsor. Hmmm.

I hope you find Catching Fire! Either the old copy or a new one somewhere. At least it's not an obscure book.
How much to sponsor a lesson? Minimum ten dollars again? I'd like to sponsor a lesson and maybe some additional material (advertisements for the course or testimonials, maybe an Awkward Class Reunion Event).

(No rush, of course not meaning to overwhelm you)

I hope I find it! There are eight more copies at the library and I'm sure it won't be the worst thing in the world if I have to replace it, but 1) I miss reading it! and 2) it's so embarrassing to have to tell the library you lost their book. :(
Yes, I'm thinking a $10 minimum again. I'm not sure I could do a class reunion (dictators by their nature being solitary and majestic creatures, like tigers), but advertisements definitely. Or a meeting of the Society; I'm sure they have rousing arguments about the relative merits of the great dictators of the past, or even the best way to measure successful dictatorship.

Probably I'd do supplementary material once I'm done with the course proper, though. Although really it depends on when inspiration strikes.
LOL, the tone of this is so good!! Oh god, how does one become a member of this society? I really don't dare to ask (OR DO I).
I don't know, and now I want to find out. Is there an application process? Or do you have to wait for the Society for Improved Dictatorship to approach you? Is it a nonprofit organization or a secret society? BURNING QUESTIONS.
*waves* Your profile page said to leave a comment if I added you, so here I am! Came for the dictatorship discussion, staying for the book reviews. Always good to find a fellow bibliophile. :)
Hello! It's hard to go wrong with dictatorship discussions and books, I find.
This is AMAZING and I am so excited the future editions.
There will be an installment tomorrow! I read a bit further in The Hunger Games and became Very Concerned by President Snow's poor dictatoring skills.